So. I have just finished my January exams (well, exam. I do English, remember) and I am exhausted. I have felt so many emotions today and I thought I would share them,
When I woke up, I actually felt excited – excited that I no longer had to spend 8 hours a day cooped up in the library revising, eating Tesco meal deals and depending upon stimulation drinks, and then laughing at the word ‘stimulation’ for like an hour. No more panic felt for trying to find a seat, no more back ache for the seats being terrible when you actually do find one, and no more hot and cold flashes due to the library’s sudden increase and decrease in temperature all the live long day. I genuinely thought I was going through menopause.
I then got on the bus and met my friends who were taking the same exam. They both get out their notes. Then came emotion number two – anxiety. I cannot read my revision notes directly before an exam, I just cannot. This morning, I got up, had my three weetabix, watched The O.C., had a coffee and got ready. I glanced at my notes, but only for a bit. I don’t want to think too hard the hours before, as I have to think of nothing but the exam for a solid three. See, English degrees are hard, who thought of three hour exams WHO?!
Walking to the exam room brings on emotion number three – sickness. I don’t think this was an emotion as such, more of a physical state, but all the same I still felt ill. I always feel like I am walking to my doom before an exam, and somehow the walk feels like the longest walk ever. I would compare it to death row, but I don’t want to be melodramatic. After all, I chose to go to university, I chose to sit the exam, although at that moment in time I forgot why this was the case.
Outside the exam hall, I hear a voice. Yes, I know that voice. That is the voice of my tutor, of she-who-must-not-be-named. I will not name her as she scares me. But this brought emotion number four, absolute rage. This woman has made myself and others question our ability to string sentences together, to write essays and hell, even to read. She deliberately made this exam the hardest and most awkward she could, and she had the cheek to stand by my desk throughout the majority of the exam itself. Why would she do this, except to put me off my train of thought, minimal though it was? It is because she is horrible and wants to see me fail. It’s the only explanation.
Emotion five, after the exam – this should have been relief. It was more of a crushing feeling, a feeling of lost hope, a feeling of a shattered degree and a destroyed career path; yes, that is how badly I performed. Despite the hours of revision. Despite attending every lecture. Yes I just lied then. Despite attending most lectures. It all came crashing down.
Then I drank. Is it acceptable to drink at 1pm? YES. So I did. Having not drunk for two weeks it all went straight to my head and I was rather tipsy/smashed. However, hula hoops, mini eggs, coffee and sleep helped and now here I am, still in bed, still tired but a bit happier. I thought, will this ONE GRADE impact my life? Possibly… but probably not. And there’s always that theory that if you believe you performed terribly in an exam, you probably did OK. Here’s to an exceptional first!
I don’t know why that paragraph has been increased to bold, but I can’t change it back. I tried for about 12 seconds and then gave up.